Friday, September 7, 2012

this is what i talk about when I do stand up comedy

here is something I just wrote now, its going to be for stand up comedy some time in the future where I am going to talk about anxiety.

You know what are stupid, panic attacks, they are really really stupid. Suddenly you are aware that your heart is beating and that you are breathing but neither of the two really seem to be working as they should and you think your throat might be clogged up so you pull your neck out like this but it doesnt make a difference. And you know you are having a panic attack so you dont want to make any sounds because drawing attention to yourself is the worst thing you can do but you are also scared that this isnt actually a panic attack and you are actually sitting here dying right now. Your heart seems to be switching between going crazy then the next minute you are trying to feel it beating but you cant. well it isnt working because your toes have gone numb which means blood isnt getting to them so your heart must have stopped beating or at least isnt beating very efficiently. And you are sitting in the middle of the row in your lecture because you always come early because you are afraid of being late to class, then all the people come late have to sit on the end of the rows so you move into the middle, so if you are dying you would have to climb over four or five people to get out and to a safe place, and when you are thinking of all of this you are still not breathing properly and holding the skin on your neck out to allow a passage of air to get through even though it does absolutely nothing but you think maybe if you dont do it you will actually die. and you turn around and see everyone else is writing notes and you havent acually listened to what the lecturer has said in the last what seems like half an hour, then you notice that some people are sitting next to each other and you realise no one is sitting next to you and you wonder why that is, but you are sweating like crazy now so you are kind of glad about it, but you think I must be really fucking ugly or smelly or something if no one ever wants to sit next to you. by now you havent written anything in ages so you take your pen and just draw a circle on your piece of paper and keep going around and around and around it and it gets darker and darker and you scribble and eventually the pen goes all the way through the page and for some reason that calms you down.

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