Monday, August 3, 2009

Post #14 realisation

My philosophy over the last few weeks has been “I am a shit person, really shit. But a least I’m better than every other person in the world” It’s a pretty bad way to look at the world but at least it keeps my self esteem up to the stage where I don’t want to kill myself.

I don’t really believe it but I tell it to myself all the time. I want to put myself above others so that I know that even though I’m a shit person, there are billions of worse people in the world. I wrote four or five pieces today, everyone has been a step towards this one.

So here’s the realisation

I need to learn to like myself better.

At the moment I fucking hate myself, but because I put myself above everything else, because I am better than every other person, I need to hate them too. I have worked my way into a hole. This could be the reason why I am so angry all of the time to everybody. I have made myself hate the world.

I have no self-esteem I don’t know what could possibly be attractive about me, both physically and me as a person. I don’t think I am interesting, intelligent, nice, creative, good looking. I am incredibly lazy, I put as little effort into things as possible, I am angry all the time and if not that really depressed, I put down other peoples hobbies and yet have none of my own. I don’t know why anyone could possibly like me. I look at other people and know they are better than me, but I judge them, I look at all their flaws and pick them apart. I make myself feel better than them.

I know I need to fix this. I need to like myself better. But in order to do that I need to make myself a better person, and to do this I need to stop hating everything all the time and to do that I need to like myself better.

I could either do this or keep on being depressed all the time, trying to find ways to escape from this feeling, drinking too much, smoking too much, cutting myself up with a kitchen knife. All are ridiculous but way easier than actually having to deal with myself in the first place.

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