Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Post #9 Do you ever get that feeling?

I have no idea what I feel or what I mean by what I say anymore.

I kinda presumed that this feeling was caused by the medication, that when I got off it my feelings would return to normal. I would know when I am happy, when I am angry, when I want to be alone, when I am lonely and when I am bored. But all of these feelings have seemed to have been mashed up into a constant state where i feel all of these things all the time.

I don't know who I like and who I hate, who I am pissed off at and who I love. I guess it's kinda normal to be pissed off at those you love, you care about them the most and it's easy for them to frustrate you.

I don't actually know why I do the things I do, sometimes It feels like I just do some stuff to get attention, I want people to talk about how fucked up I am, I want people to be pissed off at me. But I don't get why I would want that, and then why would I do some of the stuff that I keep secret from everyone. Maybe it's so in the future I can tell them about it and surpirse them, then they can talk about me some more.

I have been getting quite angry over the last week, I don't know why, I have been exercising more to get it out of my system, doing stuff to get shit off my mind, I have gone to the counciller and done a few things that I have needed to do for a while to fix my like. But I still feel fucking angry. I want to yell at people, I want to stab and punch things, I want to make heaps of noise. But I also want to go to my room and be alone, sit in the dark and listen to music. I also want to go out and be social, go hang out with my friends, spend time with my flatmates ect ect.

I say a lot of really shit things to a lot of people, I make it sound like I'm joking but Im not sure If I am. I think everything I say has an element of seriousness to it, but then again I'm not sure. I can't even tell anymore.

I think I am really fucked off at three of the people that I love the most, I kinda want to hurt them. I don't think that any of them know it. I need to have that serious but awkward conversation with two of them, I already have with one of them. 2 more to go.

I don't have the chance to sit around and feel bad about myself anymore. I used to hate it, but I miss it heaps.


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